I had just sent out the invitations for my Remission party – to celebrate that after two years, I had finally achieved remission from leukemia, when I got the call. They noticed a small area of concern in my tonsil on a recent scan. “It is probably nothing,” but I should get another scan. A day later, my doctor called me and said they found a tumor in my tonsil. My surgery was in 13 days.
Things happened quickly. Mostly, I was grateful. Let’s get this tumor out. Yet I also had to plan for an unexpected two weeks off from work and more. For two years I had gone through multiple treatments and chemo. It had been long and tiring. I was ready to return to my old self. If the tumor was malignant, this would be the first of two surgeries, plus possible radiation. My head was swirling.
I moved toward the surgery, checking things off my lists, preparing for recovery, and praying. Praying that this would be benign. I was surrounded by an army of prayer warriors too. Yet, I still found myself struggling to sleep at night. I googled “tonsil cancer.” I worried. I was scared and depressed, no matter how much I prayed or others prayed for me.
One morning I awoke, feeling like I had received a message from God: “All will be well.” The assurance I felt did not ensure a benign biopsy or an easy road ahead, but that “all will be well,” regardless. This reminder of God’s presence carried me for the next few days.
My surgery went well. Now to wait for the biopsy results, which would take about a week. Recovery from such surgery is awful. I was barely able to swallow, even my own saliva, and I lost ten pounds in the first week. The silver lining about having such intense pain is that it kept my mind off the biopsy results. A week passed and no results. My pain was still bad, but slightly improving, so I found myself thinking more about the biopsy. The hypothetical scenarios would play out, often in the middle of the night, as I waited. God’s assurance a week before seemed distant.
Photo by: Michael Howes
Last week, I met with my doctor. He told me that the primary biopsy results were in, but that it would be another two weeks until I received the final, full report. The initial biopsy report showed no signs of malignancy. Benign. He was quite confident that the final report would be the same.
I felt lighter, relieved, renewed.
I’m still waiting for those final biopsy results … probably for another week. But now the waiting doesn’t seem so difficult. I have trust in the doctor and his belief, for which I am grateful.
However, it makes me pause. I still don’t know what the final biopsy result will be. Yet, the doctor’s confidence has allowed me to release my fear of the unknown. Why was I not able to release that fear to God as I prayed? Shouldn’t I be able to release it, trusting God that all will be well, regardless of the final biopsy? I confess I wasn’t. But with the doctor I was.
I don’t want to beat myself up for my lack of faith. It’s common. But it has made me think about prayer and faith, especially during medical challenges. What are we praying for? If we pray in faith, why do we still worry? Why can’t I trust God’s word in the same way that I trust the doctor’s word?
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
The opinions expressed in articles posted on Mosaic’s website are those of the author and may not reflect the official policy of Mosaic Conference. Mosaic is a large conference, crossing ethnicities, geographies, generations, theologies, and politics. Each person can only speak for themselves; no one can represent “the conference.” May God give us the grace to hear what the Spirit is speaking to us through people with whom we disagree and the humility and courage to love one another even when those disagreements can’t be bridged.